The List
by Algor Nox
Summary: Severus Snape crosses pathes with a list of the Sexiest Boys at Hogwarts. Loosely based on the episode of South Park, of which Algor's fic is the namesake, laughter and jolly good torturing of Severus ensues. What a twist!


A. N. Hello, dear readers. I'm sorry it has been a while, but I hope you can forgive me (although, no one actually reads my stuff. I like living in an imaginary world). This fanfic was loosely based upon the episode of South Park entitled "The List", which shares the name of my story. I hope you enjoy. I enjoyed writing it, and I enjoy getting reviews.

Please leave reviews, so I can better my writing. I am not perfect (though any one who meets me will arduously deny this fact), and thus I need help improving my skills.

Peace out.

The List

Severus Snape was just minding his own business when suddenly George Weasley came barreling down the hallway.

"Ha ha ha! Can't get it now!" He shouted, waving a piece of paper above his head.

A blonde girl student skidded around the corner shrieking "Give that back, you bastard!"

"Never!" George Weasley cackled, and pulled out his wand. Snape heard the pronouncement of a sticking charm, followed shortly by a loud smacking of a palm on the wall.

A congregation of boys filled from the neighboring corridor. They all struggled to look at the wall, where Snape assumed the paper was posted.

Snape, regaining control of himself after that bizarre display, strode over the flock. The girl was being restrained by Crabbe and Goyle.

"What is the reason for this gathering?" Snape said. The air chilled as the students froze.

Draco Malfoy was the first to recover. "Professor, I tried to stop them, but they don't have respect for-"

Malfoy was silenced by Snape's raised eyebrow.

The students like the Red Sea parted for Snape as he advanced to the hanged paper. It read in large pink and green letters:

THE TOP TEN SEXIEST BOYS AT HOGWARTS!

Deciding he would like to make the children uncomfortable, he began to read aloud.

"Let's see, #10 is George Weasley." He heard a hissed 'yess' and a 'Wait! What about me?' from Fred.

"#9 is Ron Weasley. My, my, at this rate, this school's student population will all share the surname 'Weasley'." The three Weasley boys behind them all shouted "Hey!" before they were subdued by Harry Potter.

'#8, Terry Boot.' Toes tapped in a happy rhythm. '#7 is Michael Conner."

"Oh fine, I give up." Sighed a girl's voice. Snape rotated his neck to see the girl kick Goyle once more in the balls and go limp.

"#6 is Harry Potter.' Of course, he thought 'I see Mr. Potter has received nothing of substance through his bloodline, to him however, I'm sure this is a great consolation, and as much as he could hope for." Potter, Snape saw, was glaring.

'#5 is Damian Lascivious.' He rolled his eyes while Damian said and audible 'Hey baby' to the girl. She blushed.

'#4 is Draco Malfoy."

"Only 4!?" Draco said in surprise.

Ignoring him, Snape continued. "#3, Neville Longbottom. Perhaps the females of Hogwarts have inhaled too many of your potion's fumes, Longbottom.'

The Slytherins chuckled.

"#2, Blaise Zabini. Well, who could the illustrious #1 be?"

Smirking he read the last, sparkly line.

"And #1 is Severus Snape." Realizing what he had just read, Snape promptly fell over and died.

***

Okay, he didn't die. He had just fainted.

He awoke in the hospital wing with Dumbledore and Madam Pompfry leaning uncomfortably close over his head.

"Rise and shine, my princess." Dumbledore said.

Snape launched himself upright and attempted to strangle the man. He had never felt so embarrassed in... the last two years or so. How dare they!

Dumbledore backed out of Snape's grasp. "Severus, I'm sorry. That was cruel." Said the old man. He looked a little ashamed.

Snape stiffly nodded. "Have you punished the girl?"

"Actually, no' Dumbledore's eyes twinkled and he tried inexpertly to hide that fact. 'I have however, punished the boys. They will be serving detention with Filch.

Miss May, however, has claimed that she is not the sole creator of the list. For her to bare all the reprimands is most unjust."

"Unjust? She has no right to mock a teacher in this way! Headmaster, retrieve the names from her and have her spend detention with me gutting frogs. The girl is a vegetarian, is she not?"

"Now Severus, it was just a silly list. I'm sure she didn't mean for it to be read in public."

"Just a list? Headmaster, I am a teacher. I will not tolerate such ridicule!" Snape seemed genuinely upset (for him). He was used to comments about his appearance, but they weren't demeaning like this.

As though he understood, Dumbledore nodded. "Okay, Severus. You may speak to her in my office."

***

As they swung open the door, a blonde Miss May twisted around and made a loud pop with her bubble gum.

They were silent.

Then Dumbledore extended a long leg over the threshold.

"Ah, Miss May. Professor Snape would like to have a few words. Would either of you like a lemon drop?" He fell gracefully into his chair and held out a bowl of yellow sweets.

Miss May bared to teeth to show her gum. Snape glared.

He swooped over to her chair. "I expect you to tell me the names of who made this list."

She made a large bubble. It popped.

"No."

Snape raised an eyebrow. "Shall it be a detention instead?"

She rolled her eyes. "No. But I'm not going to rat out the other girls." Her eyes shifted when she realized she just gave something away.

Pondering this for a moment, Snape replied "Miss May, either you tell me who is responsible for this list, or you will be skinning potions ingredients for the next month."

Her hands clamped on to the arm rests as she leant forward. "What? No fair!"

"Let's add another for every protestation."

"You can't do that!" She whinged.

"Severus, I believe that is disproportional to the harm this infraction has caused. Perhaps Miss May could change the list-"

"Change the list? You can't just change the list!' She interrupted, to the men's surprise. 'There's a whole system. There's protocol!"

At their bewildered stares, she huffed and said "This isn't something we do flippantly, you know. We don't just sit down and make lists because we feel like it!"

Snape replied "Despite what your limited brain may tell you, your silly rules mean nothing-"

"This is bigger than you, Snape!' Miss May declared as she stood up and glared into his eyes, which wasn't that impressive at 5 foot 3.

After a few moments stunned silence, she gained the look of someone who had just noticed something important.

'And what harm has it done, anyway?"

Snape didn't know what to say, but Dumbledore spared him and his pride.

"It seems that a number the male students have taken your list to heart. There have been countless duels and crushed self-esteems. And while I'm sure that was not your intention,' he raised a hand as she showed every sign of interrupting once more, 'we thought if anyone could fix this it would be the creator of this list. Of course you will not be punished."

Snape gaped. Miss May looked smug as she sat back down.

"Headmaster, I must urge you to reconsider-"

"There is nothing to reconsider. Miss May's privacy was invaded, and in that, some feelings were hurt.' He turned to face the student and said kindly 'Marjorie, you wouldn't mind aiding us to remedy this fiasco?"

She gained an air of self-importance. "Well, of course I wouldn't, Professor. I'd be happy to lie to all the boys and say they're all very good looking. Should we just hold an assembly in the Great Hall?"

Dumbledore smiled "I'm afraid you misunderstand me. Would you be willing to create a new list?"

She was shocked. "Create a new list? Professor I- I- this is- I would not have to explain this to a womyn!" She cried while jumping out of her chair again, and Snape flew over to the fire.

"Well, then, Headmaster, I say we summon Professor McGonagall? Let's see what she has to say about this."

As he grabbed a handful of Floo powder, the door burst open.

"Albus, what is this?' said Professor McGonagall. 'I have passed at least three duels on my way hear to speak with- oh, hello Miss May." She eyed her suspiciously.

Miss May looked as though she would speak, but Snape was quicker. "Ah, just the persun we wished to speak to.' He dropped the Floo powder back into its container. 'I believe you said that a womyn would understand. Well, let's see what our esteemed Transfiguration Mistress has to say on the subject."

McGonagall looked confused. Albus answered "A list was shown to the boys that rated the, ahem, _appeal_ of the males at Hogwarts.' Professor McGonagall blanched. Albus continued 'We suggested to Marjorie that the a new list be made-"

"I'm afraid I can't allow you to do that." McGonagall said, her eyes dark.

The men in the room were wary. "Surely it's not a huge issue-"

"Oh, it is." Marjorie said.

Both males opened their mouths but McGonagall spoke imperiously. "I will deal with Miss May. Rest assured she will receive the discipline required.' Marjorie shook with fear.

'Come, Miss May. We need to have a little chat."

Trembling, she stood and preceded the Professor out the door.

The door slammed shut. Albus turned on Severus.

"Go get whatever information you can on the two of them. If Voldemort has found a way to penetrate our defenses, or Imperious Minerva, we need to know."

Readying himself, Severus gave a solemn assent.

'Good luck, Severus." Dumbledore whispered as the door closed with a bang.

***

Snape slunk down the hallways leading from the Headmaster's office. He was very inconspicuous, save for the fact that he was in a heavily lit corridor wearing thick black robes.

He approached a door to an unused classroom, wherein he heard voices. He lowered his head to the keyhole and adopted a focused expression.

"How could you have been so foolish?' hissed McGonagall 'If they were to discover what we're doing, how could we continue-"

"Look George Weasley kicked me in the crotch and stole the paper. How was I supposed to know he would fall from the ceiling to steal the bloody list? I'm not Trelawney."

"Well, from what I've seen from you Marjorie, Sybill would have been a better choice.'

_Since when was she so respectful towards the Divination teacher?_ Snape thought.

'If the Headmaster decides to strike against us, I will personally-"

"Yeah, yeah. I know! Okay? When is the next meeting?"

Suddenly, a strange sound issued from McGonagall's throat that sounded like a rasping moan from Satan himself. Snape was a tad frightened, but Miss May seemed to take this as a normal occurrence for she said a curt "Fine.", then hastened towards the door.

Snape stood quickly and flattened himself against the wall. Unfortunately, his obnoxiously large nose got in the way as the door slammed open, and he had to squeeze it to prevent it from bleeding all over the floor.

Miss May stomped away towards the Great Hall for dinner, while McGonagall straightened her robes and clip-clopped away to the castle doors.

"Fuck!" he muttered. The blood had sploshed down the front of his robes, thus he hurried to the hospital wing.

Something very strange was going on here.

***

Having told Dumbledore his findings, he was then instructed to keep an eye on Miss May. As usual, she wasn't paying the slightest attention in class, and kept chewing her stupid purple gum.

"What is the correct method for chopping gurdyroots, Miss May?"

"Whaaa'?" She looked dumbly at him, her mouth still open.

"Were you not paying attention Miss May? I'm afraid that 20 points will be taken from Ravenclaw due to your inability to pay attention to anything that does not glisten in light, as well as your insubordination."

Some of the Hufflepuffs giggled.

After lecturing for few more minuets, he began to patrol up and down the aisles while the students started their potions.

He passed a group of girls whispering in the same frightening tones that McGonagall had used the day before. He told them off, took points and rounded onto the row where Miss May was stationed.

Snape noticed she had a large shiny butterfly in her hair that reflected the light into her classmate's eyes, and not wanting to have his classroom blown up, he said,

"5 points from Ravenclaw, Miss May. Take that ludicrous insect out of your hair."

The wonderful thing about Miss May was that she almost always added stupid or "cute" accessories to her uniform. This gave Snape a pleasurable sensation as he could then deduct 5 points from Ravenclaw for every gaudy barrette or glittery thing she was wearing. But upon hearing his previous phrase-

"Eww! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!' she leaped from her chair and began bouncing with terror. 'Is it going to kill me? I don't want to DIIIIIE!!!"

"Miss May!' he snapped. 'Calm down immediately! Miss May!"

"AHHH!" she screamed.

Snape fired an Impedimenta jinx at her, and removed the barrette from her head. He held it up for her to see.

She laughed sheepishly. "Heh heh heh.... Oops?"

"Detention, Miss May. I hope you will be able to stand real insects. My potions stores need tending to."

***

Miss May showed up for detention three minuets early, two minuets before Snape arrived. When he saw her lounging about his classroom, he vowed to take piss breaks only when he had at least 15 minuets to get back.

"5 points from Ravenclaw. Take your feet off the table."

She complied and mumbled something along the lines of 'how could a greasy git like you get voted sexiest boy in the school?'

Snape pulled out a box of dead beetles. "You will remove their abdomens from their shells and place them in separate trays."

She gazed with horror at the bugs. "That's... I'm a vegetarian!"

"You aren't eating them, and as I recall, you seemed quiet vehement to get a fake bug removed from your hair this afternoon."

"Yeeaah.' She rolled her eyes 'but that was different. I don't want them dead, I just don't want them near me neither."

"How very eloquent.' He muttered. Raising his voice he said 'Well Miss May, perhaps you would care explaining about the list that was posted the other day."

"I don't know why you were put on it either, and even if I did, I wouldn't tell you, and I can't do anything about it, so it's pointless."

Deciphering that train wreck of a sentence, he added "Then I expect you to tell me who can change this list, or it will be dead puppies for a month."

She sighed and rolled her eyes yet again. "Look, I could probably get you into a meeting, but don't blame me if it doesn't go well.'

He cocked an eyebrow.

She huffed. 'Just meet me by Hagrid's hut tonight at 11:00 okay? And come alone." She said the last part with an obvious stab at an air of conspiracy that it was hard not to take more points away for just being a dunderhead.

"I'll tell the Headmaster."

She looked angry. "Fine! Nobody else though. It's a complete secret."

***

Snape was waiting by the torch lit exterior of Hagrid's hut. Miss May should have arrived 15 minuets ago.

Just then his arm was grabbed. He swung around and withdrew his wand, poking Miss May hard in the forehead.

"Aww! That hurt. Why are you late?"

"I was here this whole time! And mind you call me 'sir'." He gave her his I-kill-irreverent-children glare at which she recoiled.

"Well, come on then, we're already late."

She lead him deep inside the forest, passing boulders, sleeping animals and trees before they finally reached a shack that looked as though it were spun out of sugar. It twinkled in the light escaping through the trees, its beauty reflecting on to their faces. But from where they were standing, Snape could see through the sugar-spun walls all the way to the other side!

"Miss May, what, pray tell, is th-"

Suddenly, peoples garbed in silver robes grabbed them. Snape struggled but Miss May seemed not only relaxed, but positively bored. Following her lead, he allowed them to roughly force him through the doorway.

Inside, the room had flat, solid pink walls, not the crystalline ones from outside. There were fluffy toy animals adorning the walls (held up by nails through various limbs), rainbows and flowers everywhere, a strong smell of sickly sweet perfume, and shelves holding a great collection of books on Dark Magic. There was soft angelic music playing in the background.

Baffled, Snape righted himself, for he had stumbled upon seeing such sights, only to notice that Miss May and the couple dozen other people in the room (all wearing hooded robes of black or silver) were genuflecting on the floor. He knelt beside Miss May and hissed in her ear "If this is a bloody cult, it's detention until the end of term."

She shushed him and pointed to the front of room, where a large black podium was stationed. Rising as though through the floor, a tall red robed figure took their place behind it and chanted in some hellish language.

"Ha he, ha ho ho."

"Se ma na po po!" Replied the rest of the room.

"Rise." Commanded the red figure.

The people in the room all stood at the same time, except for Snape, who had gotten his sleeve caught on a sequin in the carpet.

"Marjorie has brought a guest this meeting." The figure said, gesturing royally to Snape.

At once, the people in the rooms turned to face them. They threw their heads back and roared in the same ominous voice he had heard from those students in his classroom and McGonagall. Shockingly, some of the hoods fell off and Snape could make out a number of his students. "Parkinson? Granger? Lovegood? What the-'

He turned to face the other side of the room. 'Minerva!?" He said surprised, for Minerva McGonagall was pointing and making strange, bestial faces at him, which the younger girls seemed to be imitating poorly.

"Silence!' cried the figure. 'Marjorie has requested he be here! Severus, you have the floor."

He really didn't know what to say. He just wanted to know about the list!

"I request that the list be changed." He said. To his annoyance, everyone in the room started laughing at him.

"Change the list? We have hundreds, nay, _thousands_ of lists, Severus. You will have to specify."

He scowled. "The....' He really hated having to say this. 'the sexiest boys list." He whispered.

Everyone in the room started up in a chorus of disbelief and outrage. The red figure silenced them with a raise of their hand.

"A list cannot be changed unless there is significant proof the list was tampered with. I myself made sure that it wasn't, for it was a most important list." She said (for he could now determine it was a she) in a tone of amusement.

He tried to look firm. "Madam, I believe that the list was altered for someone's dunderheaded idea of a joke. You see-"

"You do not believe that you could be The Sexiest Boy at Hogwarts? Look around, Severus.'

He glanced around the room. Most of the figures had taken their hoods off, and he could now see that they were all womin. Womin, giving him flirtatious looks and flicking their hair over their shoulders.

'You see? You_ are_ The Sexiest Boy at Hogwarts. The girls sitting down are gay."

The ones sitting down grumbled "not gay".

"They're in denial. They did not vote you The Sexiest Boy, so they must be gay as none of them are deaf or visual impaired."

"Now,' hissed a familiar voice. A voice that filled him with dread. 'We've waited long enough. I say we wreck him!"

"No, Leslie!' The red figure said. 'There is much time left! He must understand before we-"

"To hell with waiting! I've been waiting decades for this chance!" And with that, the hissy voiced womyn pushed off her silver hood. Underneath the cloak, was LORD VOLDEMORT!

Snape gasped! "My Lord! How- what is this exactly?"

"Ahh, what indeed Severus.' Voldemort purred. 'I've been waiting a long time for this.'

Voldemort jumped the banister separating Miss May and him from the others and sauntered over.

'You see, I am not what you think I am. For I, have a vagina!"

Snape's eyes widened. "But-but.... How is this pertinent?"

He heard a throaty chuckle echoing around the room. "You see Severus.' In a plume of purple smoke, the red figure appeared before him. 'Lord Voldemort's reign is merely an act. A means to an end, you understand yes? No? Well, since the dawn of time, we have needed blood to sustain ourselves. So every decade or so, we create a dictator that kills for the fun of it. We take the blood of the victims and we drink it. We drink it so we can menstruate, Severus. _Menstrate_, Severus. Every womyn in the world is in on it."

"But- but- but why?" Snape sputtered.

"Well, it's simple really.' The red figure continued. 'So we can have an excuse to scream at you what fucking morons you are."

"And so we can eat ice cream and chocolate." Chimed Miss May.

"Yes. Mmmmm, chocolate." Chanted the rest of the womin.

"Yes that too." Agreed the red figure solemnly.

"What do you want with me?" Said Snape, drawing himself up into his most intimidating stance. All the girls shivered (except for the allegedly gay ones).

Suddenly, he felt a whole bunch of hands groping him in inappropriate places.

The red figure sashayed closer. "We want you to be our sex slave. We will have copious amounts of sex with you, feed you decadent food, and all you have to do in return is keep our secret."

And so he did. Severus Snape spent the rest of his days having sex with a multitude of womin, dying a very happy man at the age of 45 from an explosive orgasm. The thing with the snake was just a ruse.

The End.

A. N. Well, that was educational, wasn't it? Just so you know, I'm a vegan and a huge animal rights activist. No hate towards the veg heads, even if Marjorie is a dumbass. Please review, and keep the secret.


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